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Insoluble
Problems
Sometimes
of course, a problem is, for the time being, insoluble.
Sometimes things occur in life that we can’t have an answer to
or assurance of immediately. How do we synthesize positive
expectation when we can’t know how something will turn out?
Then we need to be able to put the problem to one side (to
compartmentalise) so that we can get on with our lives without
anxiety. If we can’t think something nice about a situation,
then once we’ve thought it through as far as possible to
solution, we need to stop thinking about it
at all for now. The problem is…we can’t do that if we
feel like we MUST know, because when we tell ourselves we MUST
have an answer, the emotional brain supplies a feeling that says
we MUST have an answer and we are then compelled to obsess in an
effort to know the unknowable and control the uncontrollable.
So
we need to get comfortable with the idea that there are some
problems we just can’t solve immediately and some things we
can’t know, and certain things we simply cannot control. This
is never pleasant because we are creatures who like certainty,
but we know that’s not always possible. Raging against this
fact can cause all kinds of problems…particularly obsessive
ones. The way out is to learn to accept that some things cannot
be guaranteed, known or changed. Uncertainty is a fact of life.
We either meet that fact courageously or we suffer at the hands
of ourselves by raging against the “way things are”…..
…..
This
means getting comfortable with discomfort.
Even
a bed of nails can be quite comfortable if you distribute your
weight properly.
Getting
comfortable with discomfort is possibly the most important skill
a person can learn in life. In some ways we have spent our whole
lives learning how to do it well. Think about it. How many
things were once uncomfortable for you which you now accept
without difficulty? As children we get bored if we are not
entertained every minute of every day. As you have grown up you
have probably learned to value/make use of your “quiet
time”. What child welcomes being asked to clean their room?
(If your children do then you are a very lucky parent.) And
yet…as you have grown you have learned to appreciate that
vacuuming can be therapeutic. Exercise…it CAN be uncomfortable
can’t it? Have you learned to welcome exercise and feel good
about doing it anyway? Vegetables? Do you now eat foods you once
disliked? What else that may be considered essentially
uncomfortable have you learned to accept as comfortable in your
life? Work (HAVING to be somewhere when you might prefer to kick
back for the day in the sunshine) perhaps? Having children
(screaming, mess making.) in your house? Beurocracy? …Taxes?.
We
could go on…..the point is though…..not everything in life
is naturally “comfortable” is it? You
have a natural ability to desensitise yourself to discomfort.
You have been doing it your whole life and you are reasonably
expert in the art of being comfortable with discomfort.
Consider: Do people live “happy” lives DESPITE having to
work, look after children, pay taxes, eat brussel sprouts, go
jogging, and fill out forms? Yes…of course…..many people do.
In fact, studies have shown that many people who live
disadvantaged lives are just as likely to feel “happy” with
their lives as those apparently advantaged by wealth etc.
Apparently, people synthesize happiness when they are happy with
their circumstances, regardless of what their circumstances are
(If you can’t be with the one you love then love the one
you’re with.). We all know that there are many
disadvantaged/disabled people who lead amazing lives. If we know
people do it, then it must be possible.
So
the assumption that the presence of discomfort in our lives
means we cannot be happy is fundamentally flawed…..
Wouldn’t
you agree?
What
happens though if you don’t get okay with the everyday
discomforts of life? Stress…. is what happens. Raging…. is
what happens. Feeling trapped/cheated/angry at life…. is what
happens. We resent the kids, hate our boss, get angry in
traffic, eat too much, drink too much, manage our money badly,
feel irritated, impatient, irrational, emotional, out of
control.
We’re
certainly not happy when we’re not okay with discomfort.
We’ll be even more deeply unhappy if we believe that life
SHOUL
D
be consistently comfortable, because now we
feel cheated too. If we’re expecting life to be completely
comfortable in every moment we will be constantly disappointed
when life does not meet our expectations. We’ll look at
everyone else and say “Well they seem happy….why am I having such a hard time?” (They’re okay incidentally because
they are good at being comfortable with discomfort…not because
they don’t have any.). Feeling constantly disappointed that
life isn’t meeting ones expectations feels very much like
something is “wrong”. The “wrong” feeling is read by the
emotional mind as a threat, and as you know being threatened
creates anxiety. In fact it’s clearly a cognitive mistake to
believe that life SHOULD
or MUST be comfortable at all times, because
everyone knows that the two things you can be sure of in life
are death and taxes (to mention but only two), and neither are
intrinsically comfortable; though interestingly we can get
comfortable with both. So a key component of happiness is this:
To
be happy it is not necessary to have a life free from
discomfort. To expect life to be free from discomfort is the
surest way to stay unhappy. True happiness in life is created by
accepting discomfort as an inevitable part of life and learning
to be comfortable in its presence.
Now
of course, I know you probably know this. Like I said already,
you’re an expert in being comfortable with discomfort. The
thing is though, nowhere is this understanding more important
than when it comes to dealing with the discomfort of negative
feelings or the discomfort of being plagued with negative
thoughts.
In
a worldwide survey approximately 80% of the worlds population
said that they experience disturbing thoughts sometimes. What is
particularly interesting about this study is that the results
are the same across cultures. It doesn’t matter where you ask
the question or who you ask, 80% of us say we are sometimes
troubled by negative and disturbing thoughts. So it seems that
negative thoughts are simply part of being human and owning a
brain. So you can stop being alarmed that you had a wicked or
unpleasant thought now ok? It doesn’t make you a bad person.
It just means you have a brain. Largely, we’ve just dealt with
thoughts and how to not “buy in” to them. Though we can’t
necessarily immediately stop negative thoughts happening, we can
clearly learn to relate to them as a by product of having a
brain and stop becoming emotionally aroused by them whilst
continuing to practice critical thinking (thinking clearly).
It
should by now be clear to you that the same is also true for
feelings…..everybody has difficult and uncomfortable feelings
to deal with sometimes. The trick is to get comfortable with
them. I guarantee you that you will have negative feelings to
deal with in life…..but you can become so expert in dealing
with them that, like eating sprouts and paying your taxes (you
know I really don’t like sprouts), they will cease to be a
problem. Here’s how….
Sitting
With Discomfort
We
live in a culture that tells us that bad feelings are wrong.
Furthermore we live in a culture that tells us that there is
something “wrong” with us if we have negative feelings
(There’s that “should” again....i.e You “SHOULD” feel
great or there is something wrong with you). You can blame the
media for this. You are constantly bombarded with images and
ideals of perfect actors leading perfect lives. Consequently
when we have negative feelings we freak out and believe that we
must be in some way “damaged”. Let’s bust that myth right
now. Below are the figures. They are a little depressing in
themselves, but when we understand why so many people are
unwell, we needn’t worry that we have to be a part of those
statistics. The fact is, it is partly our cultural
lack of understanding about negative feelings, namely that
we MUST not feel negative feelings that is causing and
maintaining our sense of alarm. Our cultural belief that
negative feelings are “wrong” is actually causing high alarm
in those that feel them, and you know what happens when we get
alarmed right?.
·
1 in 4 people will experience some kind of mental health problem in the
course of a year.
·
1 in 6 people will have depression at some point in their life. Depression
is most common in people aged 25-44 years.
·
1 in 10 people will suffer from a "disabling anxiety disorder"
at some stage in their life. For manic depression (Bi-Polar
Disorder) the figure is 1 in 100.
·
At any given time, approximately 20 percent of women and 14 percent of men
in
England
have some
form of mental illness.
·
18% of Women & 11% of Men have some form of neurotic disorder such as
anxiety, depression, phobias or panic attacks.
·
1 in 10 people will suffer from a phobia at some point in time.
·
Mixed anxiety and depression is the most common mental disorder in
Britain
with
almost 9% of people meeting criteria for diagnosis - The Office
for National Statistics Psychiatric Morbidity report (2001)
·
Between 8-12% of the population experience depression in any year- The
Office for National Statistics Psychiatric Morbidity report
(2001).
Here’s
a poetic antidote:
Guest
House
This
being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A
joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all.
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
Rumi
What
you resist persists…..
Consider
that feelings are like messengers. If we are “open” to
receiving the message then the messenger can deliver the message
and leave. If however, the messenger arrives and the door is
bolted shut, then the messenger has a problem. Now the messenger
starts knocking on the door.
“Go
away.” we shout.
“I
can’t” say’s the messenger, “I am charged with the duty
to deliver this message to you”
We
peer through the curtains and see that the messenger is carrying
a big black box and we’re quite sure there’s something nasty
inside.
“I’m
not leaving until you open the door.” shouts the messenger,
and the knocking gets louder.
“Look…just
bugger off will you?. I’m not opening the door….I don’t
want to know what’s in the package….just leave me alone and
stop worrying me will you.”
Time
passes. Then everything is quiet for a while. It seems the
messenger has left. We hope he won’t return. Some time later
though, there’s a knock at the door….Now we’re
wondering…”What’s in the box?” That messenger is pretty
persistent. It must be important…..but it looks so menacing.
No…opening the door is simply not an option.
“Look,
just go away. I don’t want what you have in the box..”
By
this time we’re sure that the box contains something
unthinkably awful. Our alarm is growing. The messenger is still
knocking. A stand-off ensues. We are trapped in our own home by
this awful messenger. We can’t go out because we’d have to
deal with the message. We are going stir crazy staring at the
four walls. We have convinced ourselves that receiving the
package is simply not an option, and so we resign ourselves to
our fate…alarmed, trapped, frightened. Hopelessness follows.
Then
one day, a letter arrives. In the letter are just a few words.
It reads:
Courage
is not the absence of fear. Courage is the decision that
something else is more important than fear.
We
are startled by the simplicity of this message. Oh? Well,
perhaps we’ve never really thought of it that way. What could
be in the box that’s so awful that it’s worse than being
trapped in this house? Is that fear of what’s in the box
really more important than freedom? More time passes. It takes a
while. Peering out of the window, the box still looks pretty
menacing but we consider…the box…..these four walls…the
box….four walls? In a moment of madness (for this is how
receiving the package feels), courage and resignation we stride
up to the door and wrench it open.
“Okay,
okay……give me the damn box.” At that very moment we’re
expecting the end of the world…….The messenger hands the box
over without a word,
turns and leaves. Wow.
That’s weird? We were expecting some kind of
confrontation…….but nothing……so matter of fact…..
With
trembling hands and trepidation we pull open the string tied
around the dark menacing box and a puff of dust shoots out of
the top and rains down all over us. We watch in horror as the
dust falls all around us…..and then there is a moment of
surrender….bracing ourselves for the very first time…...and
then…..we feel it…..we REALLY feel it……..First there is
a pang of awfulness……we know why we didn’t want the
box…….but this lasts only a moment, and then suddenly,
acceptance. We know not from where this acceptance comes, but it
is a sweetness all of its own……a deep soothing
sweetness…..a relief like none we’ve known before…..and
then a stillness……..a quiet soothing stillness……
Suddenly….there’s
nobody knocking on the door….the house is quiet again….the
door is open…..the sun is shining in.
There’s silence. And, just an empty box on the
table…… no sign even of the dust…which it seems has
magically vanished ……
"Your
pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your
understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that
its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain."
Kahlil Gibran
So
this begins to paint things in a slightly different light
doesn’t it? We know that our experience is relative and
subjective. When you can actually welcome difficult feelings as a part of life, then your subjective
experience of them becomes something to be embraced rather than
something to be rejected or avoided. Why would we welcome them?
Well, if we can recognise that we’ve learned from other
difficulty and eventually overcome it, we can reason that the
same will happen again…which in fact it does when
we work with it instead of against it. Actually, difficulty
helps us to grow. When we are challenged, we are asked to become
more than we were. That means creating new perspectives and
acquiring new skills. In other words we have to expand our
understanding in order to be able to overcome the obstacles
facing us. When we welcome this as a fact of life, then we can
see that there is something in it for us to welcome difficulty.
It doesn’t necessarily make difficulty comfortable, but it
does help us to get more comfortable with the discomfort. Thus
we avoid raging against “what is”.
Practical
information on "how to get comfortable with discomfort is available
here.
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